Robert C Died Yesterday

Robert Cxxxxlo died yesterday. I have a Google alert that periodically appears in my email. It was not my father but another Robert Cxxxxlo and it hit me hard. Once my parents die that will be it; no chance to have a relationship, it will really be over.

After I read that alert, I fantasized what it would be like to meet my father, he is an avid golfer, as am I, so I set the story of our first meeting on the golf course and wrote: "The 1st Rule of Golf."

The events are not true, I know many of you thought that I met my parents, I have not; only a few phone calls.

I wrote some short stories to try and express what was happening during our "reunion." I have shared a few of them.

Although art should be left up to the reader; the viewer; the listener, I thought I would give some explanation about the stories I've shared.


Only "Broken Heart" is completely true. The other stories are based on conversations, dreams, research and impressions of my bio family.


My first story "1st Rule of Golf" was titled ”A Fantasy" I changed it once it was written. It was written shortly after my original contact with my bio family and has the most feeling of the longing and sadness I felt at the time. It was the most guarded and coded essay I wrote as I was hoping that my bio family would come through for me.
I like the 1st Rule of Golf has a strong opening sentence. I wish I could write a complete principle in one sentence.

"Play the ball as it lies, play the course as you find it." Period.

The second part of the sentence is "but, to know what is fair you have to know the rules." I hate the second part; it permits fairness to be interpreted by the upcoming long list of sub-rules.

If I had the assignment to write the perfect rule I would express its essence.

Be fair; don't use your position of power or entitlement to have an unfair advantage over someone else. Period.

I used the golf course as a metaphor for fair play. I didn't feel I was treated fairly, my life was altered by decisions made for me at birth and now as an adult I was being treated like a child.

For those that play golf you will appreciate the time spent walking the course; the smell of the grass and trees, the sound of the birds, and the meandering conversations with your golf partner. Sometimes about golf, but usually not.
I used the lush green leaves that turned colors, died and fell off the tree as a symbol of how his (their) decisions led to greater consequences.

That their original decision was an immediate relief that turned against them. They ended up living their whole lives in fear that their secret would be revealed. That the lie they live was rotting inside them and maybe preventing them living as their authentic selves.

The element of playing straight down the fairway "like he was shooting down the row of apricot trees" is my impression of Bob. A man who follows the rules.
(Bob's family were fruit ranchers raising apricots; plant, feed, prune, harvest.) Following the rules of nature.

I wanted to express that even if you play by the rules that the rules are flawed and subject to change.
That was my swipe at the made up rules about adoption as being good for everyone. I felt my parents were a product of their time. Given a line of bullshit that adoption was good for everyone.

WRONG!

I bet no one prepared them for the guilt and shame they felt.
The way it changed my life.
The way my adopted parents lived in fear that I would reject them.

I wished that Bob would understand that even if you follow the man made rules and you think you're safe you are not when the rules are misguided.
They are not the same rules of nature you understood as a kid.

Rules are made by people and people are flawed.

When I introduced the Mulligan the "do over" in the story it was my wish that Bob and Marian, would be able to move on, do it over, that it's not too late, but time is running out.

As my adopted Dad said, "you're dead for a really long time."

“Do you ever take a Mulligan, you know, a do over, one more chance to do it right?” Everyone should have at least one don't you think?"

I carry a Mulligan Card in my wallet to remind me that I can always do it over if I screw up. I don't have to live with every decision I make, that I can think about it and choose to do it over. To make it right.

"Everyone should have at least one don't you think?"

I struggled with the ending of the story, I chose to make it like a diary, to write about today and wait for tomorrow.